Salvation In The Cuts


I applied for so many jobs that I can't even begin to count. I never got any, though. I do notice that the good looking and happy people get them. Everything always falls into their waiting hands. They never have to work for anything. I stare straight ahead, at the road. The afternoon sunshine radiates the ice. Along both sides of the road are about ten foot high snowbanks. We've been getting raped by snow recently. Equals lots of fun shovelling for me. My concentration is broken on the screams downstairs. I look towards the closed door, listening a little harder. Mom and Dad always fight. More so, when my father is very drunk. Like he is now. And most of the time.

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   I walk over and sit down on my bed. I take off my sweatshirt and throw it to the floor. I'm always wearing sweatshirts in a desperation to hide my weight. No one wants to see a fat man in a t-shirt, I don't even want to. I stare down at my left arm. Multiple deep cuts encircle and spread across my arm. I softly run my hands over the soon to be scars, and feel a wave of ashamed feelings engulf me. I close my eyes and try to hold back my tears. I wish I could be able to stop all my self torture. Well, the physical torture at least. I want to tell someone, but my parents wouldn't understand. They'd beat me. Do I deserve to be beat? I slowly turn my body and lay down, pulling the blankets over me. I stare up the ceiling and then close my eyes. ************************** "Jake! Get up right now! Young man, you know there's a time for everything, and this isn't time for sleeping.

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   It's a time for praying. Get up, we're going to church. " I struggle to try to wake myself up and I force a nod. Mom shakes her head at me and storms out of my room, slamming the door behind her. I yawn and fight off the heavy need for sleep. I curse to myself as I change into my good shirt and pants. I have no belief in God at all, and why should I? What has he done for me? God made me fat. God made me ugly. God is going to let me be alone all my life. There is no God to me. I wish so much that I could get a job and get the hell out of this place. No more church. No more drunk Dad. No more anything. Freedome.

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   ********************************** I open the door to our house for Mom. "Wasn't that a nice sermon, honey?" I look at Mom, who's smiling and waiting for my answer before she goes out of the cold into the house. I nod politely and follow her inside. I'm greeted to the site of my Dad sitting on the couch, his feet up on the table, a beer hugged to his chest, smiling stupidly at us. "Look at this, my loving wife is home from her God worshiping. " I immediatly tune it out and head upstairs. "Jake, wait! Don't you want some dinner?" My Mom calls after me. "I'm not hungry", I reply as I head up to my room. Hungry wasn't quite the word. Maybe famished. But I wasn't about to sit there and eat while pretending not to listen to their arguing. I close my door and sit back in my chair. A knock on my door and I look over in time to see it open. "Jake, dear. Don't forget about the Church dinner tomorrow night.

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   In the Chuch basement. You know, the fundraiser?" I look at her with a sigh. "I'm not going. " "It's too late for that, mister. I signed you up for dishs. You're going to clean everyone's plate and put some of your time to a worthy cause. " I feel my heart sink and I look at her madly. "Why the hell do you always sign me up for things that I don't want to do? My opinion does matter, Mom. I'm eighteen now, and I have my own brain. " I really didn't mind to talk so loud. Mom walks in and sits on my bed. "Please, honey. I didn't think you'd mind. I thought that you wouldn't want to be home alone with your father. " She gave me a reassuring smile.

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   I didn't even think about him. Why does he ruin everything for me? I nodded. "I guess I'll go then, but I'm going home as soon as I'm done with the dishs. " Mom smiled bigger. "Great. We'll have fun. You might even meet some new people. " I watched her as she left and shut my door again. Meet new people? Yes, so they can silently judge me. In the church, no less. There really is no God. I got up and and layed back down on my bed. I stared at the clock. 8:15. Saturday night.

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   Great life. I rolled over to face the wall and forced myself to sleep. ********************************** I opened my eyes slowly. The room was still dark and the house was silent. I looked over at my alarm clock. 4:28. I sighed and got out of bed and walked out of my room to the bathroom. I took a quick piss and walked over to the mirror. I stared at myself with disgust. My hair was short, but greasy and messy from sleeping. My stomache hung over my dress pants and looked horrible in the white shirt. I cursed silently at myself for not losing weight and reached for my toothbrush. I started to brush my teeth and looked at all the things on the counter. I stopped brushing and stared at the case holding the extra razor blades. I spit out the toothpaste and cleaned off my toothbrush.

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   I reached over and opened the razors. No one knew that these have been actually used many times by me. I knew Dad doesn't use his razor, rather he uses the electric one, so I know it didn't matter if I used these razors. I picked up the small razor with trembling hands and rolled up my sleeve. I slowly pressed it into my skin and moved it ever so slightly down my arm. My eyes fixed on the protruding blood. I let the razor slide a couple inches and I stopped. I smiled slightly and dabbed my finger in the blood. I tasted it. I reached for the towel and wiped up the rest of the blood and held it against my cut. I looked in the mirror in the again and felt the ashame crawl back into me. ******************************** I jumped out of my sleep as I felt a hand on my shoulder. I quickly looked up and was relieved to see my Mom standing over me. "Honey, get up and get ready, the fundraiser starts in an hour. " "Can you cook me some lunch?" I looked over at the clock and saw it said 4:55.

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   She walked out of the room. "You can have all you can eat in an hour at the church. " I couldn't believe I slept that long. I shrugged it off and grabbed some clean clothes and went to the bathroom to clean up. I changed without looking in the mirror, I didn't want to see myself or my cuts. I then shaved and washed my hair and restyled it. I gave myself one last goodover and was pleased how my black sweater looked kind of cool, and took some off the weight off. I smiled slighlty and went to see when we were going. ********************************** I was so hungry when we arrived and headed to the basement, that I kept telling myself to get lots of free food. But I knew I wouldn't because I hated to eat infront of people. I just felt they were all staring at me. As I rounded the corner into the room, I was suprised to see that so many people have turned out. Although it only cost five dollars plus a donation, the church never has a turnout like the one I was looking at. I walked slowly and started to scan the room. I saw a group of the popular girls.

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   Their mothers were into the church events, so I guess they got dragged into it. I stared at them, taking in their beauty. Chelsey stood at about five-foot-four, give or take. I think she only weighed maybe a hundred and ten pounds and was sort of the leader. She had straight blonde hair, and green eyes. Her chest didn't stand out, at about a high B cup, but she had a very tight looking ass. To Chelsey's left was Rory. She was the quiet one and to me, the prettiest. I knew everyone liked Chelsey, but I really thought that Rory was the cutest one. She was a little taller, around five-foot-seven. I would guess that she weighed around a hundred and twenty pounds. She had very pretty red curly hair and a nice face with gorgeous brown eyes. Beside her was Mallory, almost identical to Chelsey, but with more freckles and slightly bigger breasts. She was the suck up of the bunch. And the last one in their little circle was Jennifer.

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   Sort of gothy looking, always wearing black. Had the same sort of body as Mallory. I looked away quickly when Chelsey looked at me. But out of the corner of my eye I could see the look of disgust she gave to the rest of the group about me. I sadly walked to a corner in the table and sat down. I sat against the wall so my fat body wouldn't be as clearly visible. I stared down at the table for a long time until I saw someone sit infront of me. I looked up and was surprised to see Chelsey. "Hello, Jake. " I grew very nervous. "Um, hi" Was that really the best I could do? "Glad to see they brought the needy here. Oh wait, you don't need food too bad. " She gave her little 'I'm So Much Better Than You' look. I understood very quickly that's why she came over to me, so she hurt my self esteem even more. "Yeah, my Mom dragged me here" I said, looking down at the table feeling ashamed.


   "Momma's boy. Should of known. " Her voice cut through my defense system. "Chelsey, c'mon!" I heard one of her friends saying and Chelsey gave me her smile one more time and left me to hate myself some more. I went back to staring at the table. I kept reaching into my pocket, toying with my pocket knife. It was people like her that made me use it on myself. Someone sat infront of me again and I looked up and looked down again. It wsa Rory this time. I didn't know she was into picking on people. "Hey, Jake. How are you?" I kept looking down. "Why are you talking to me?" "I overheard Chelsey, and I just wanted to say sorry. No one should be treated like that. " "Yeah, thanks.

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  " I still couldn't tell if she was here to hurt me or not. "Really, Jake. " I looked up, not at Rory, but past her at her friends. They were all giving me that smile and now I knew something was wrong. "If you're going to make fun of me, just get it over with. " I looked back down. "I don't do that stuff. And even if I did, you don't deserve it. I know how sweet you are. " I looked up at her, trying to figure out her voice. She continued, "I just wanted to say hi, and that we'll be doing dishs together. But you're washing!" She smiled and my heart melted. I nodded slowly and she got up and walked back to her friends. ******************************** I walked into the kitchen with the trolly full of dishs and looked at the sink.
    No dishwasher.

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       It's going to be all hand washed. I sighed and started to run the water. "Don't start without me!" I turned around and saw Rory walking in with a couple towels. "It'll me a minute yet, got to get the sink filled" I smiled slightly and looked back down. Rory hoisted herself onto the counter and kicked her legs lazily. "So how's your year off going?" I looked up and shrugged. "How'd you know I wasn't in school. " She laughed. "Well I'm in the only University in this town and you're not in it. " I felt stupid now. "It's alright I guess. Really boring. I can't get any work. " She pouted. "I'm sure things will work out for the best eventually.

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      " I stopped the water and dumped some dishs into the sink. I lifted up my sleeves and started to wash a plate. "Oh my God, Jake! What happened to your arm?" I panicked and put my sleeve down, letting it hit the water. "N. . . Nothing. " I looked away. Rory put a hand on my shoulder. "It's okay, I won't judge. " I shook my head and continued washing. "I have a cousin that used to cut herself. She said it helped ease her pain. I don't know how causing pain would, but if you want to talk, I have experience. " I shook my head again and handed her a plate.

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       She slowly started to dry it. She looked at me with her beautiful eyes. "Jake, would you like to go to the movies with me sometime? I mean, I understand if you don't want to. . . " Her voice trailed off and looked down. I was very confused. Why would she ask me? It must be some kind of joke, I thought. "Is this some kind of joke? Ask out the loser?" I put a plate down hard on the counter by her. She looked surprised and put her dry plate away. "No! I just think it would be fun, if you wanted to. I don't care what other people say, I don't think you're a loser. " I stared at her for a long time. "Sure, I guess. " She smiled and wiped her hair from her eyes and looked down.

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       "What's going on here? Mr. Needy is doing the dishes. Just like he'll always be doing!" I looked at the doorway and saw Chelsey. She walked over to Rory. "Rore, c'mon. We're going to the mall. " Rory shook her head and picked up another washed dish. "I can't Chels. I offered my help a long time ago and I don't go back on my word. " Chelsey gave a disgusted look. "Uh, okay. Whatever. I'll talk to you in school. " She turned and walked away, slamming the door behind her. Rory looked at me.

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       "I'm sorry about what she said. I think your capable of great things. " I gave a fake smile and shook my head. "Nah, I doubt it. " "Jake, just believe in yourself sometimes. You got to know how specail you are. " I shook my head again and went back to the dishs. ********************************* "So you really think Superman would beat Spider Man in a fight?" I looked over at Rory. She smiled back to me and nodded. "Yes, Parker only has a limited supply of web, but Clark Kent has super powers that way beat Spider Man. " I laughed. "No, all Spider Man needs is Kyrptonite. He's useless then. " "Uh, no way! He got out of lots of situations where people use that against him. " She stopped walking and stared at the house to the right.

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       "Well, here I am. Thanks for walking me home Jake. It was really nice to have the company. " I smiled. "You only live five minutes from the church, it's no problem. " She shook her head. "Yes, but your house was in the other direction. It'll take you at least twenty minutes to get to your house. " I decided to say something risky. "Yeah, well. . . . you're worth it. " I held my breath.

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       She smiled. "Aww, see, I told you that you were special. " We both stood there. I was surprised at how something so comfortable went to uncomfortable. "Well, I'll call you about that movie. " She smiled. "Alright. Have a good night. " We both stood there, still. She leaned in slightly. I leaned in too, slowly. I was really scared. I knew I was going to kiss her but I never kissed anyone before. I pressed my lips against hers and was surprised at how soft they were. She kept her lips against mine and touched my face gently.

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       She broke the kiss and smiled and started to walk up her driveway. I walked away slowly, being happy for the first time in a very long time. I kept looking back at her. When I was out of view I stopped and savoured the moment of my first kiss. I looked up the street and ran a finger over my cuts. I started to walk again and put my hands in my pockets for warmth. I felt my knife. I took it out and stared at it as I walked. I got to the church and stared at the light inside. I took one last look at my knife and I tossed it into the ditch. ********************************* This was my first story in a long time, so I know I'm rusty. But any comments would be appreciated. .
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